MOVING to WORDPRESS

This blog is moving to

http://romance4roodle.wordpress.com

All the posts and comments have been moved to the new site. Please update your blogroll and RSS feed subscription.

THANKS!

Roodle

Step away from the keyboard

I confess; I haven't done much about dating recently. I was all proud of myself for two dates (or semi-dates) in one day, but I realize that was two weeks ago, and I haven't even spent any time on my online dating site since then -- except to update my profile in light of my not-seeking-parenthood decision.

Just as it's time to get rid of the stacks of paper on my desk at work and my table at home, it's time to stop blogsurfing and get back out there.

I decided earlier that I want to go to some new places where I can meet people -- whether they're eligible guys or just random people. Places I wouldn't usually go, and where maybe I don't even fit in. This will be a playful thing! So I want to keep it easy -- casual dress, not expensive, not a lot of advance planning, etc. I'd love to get ideas, either on random places where I could meet people (say, a Chinese grocery store?), HOW I could meet people there, or even how to THINK of random places. All ideas welcome!

Wordsmith IN, Blogger OUT?

I created this blog on Blogger because when I heard of it, the name stuck in my head. But almost all the blogs I've found that I'm interested in are on Wordsmith. What's up with that?

Did I pick a blog site that's hopelessly passe? Would more people (you know, more than one) read this if it were on Wordsmith? Can anyone (my one reader) fill me in?

Dating My Dad, Or Not

I'm inspired by 100 Emails/20 Dates's wonderful post, I Will Never Again “Date My Dad”!

DISCLAIMER: My dad is great in many ways, and I'm lucky to have been raised by a reliable man with integrity, who put family before everything else.

And of course, I've also got "issues" with him.

In my case, dating my dad has meant getting into relationships with intellectually confident men who don't have the emotional maturity I need. Each time, it's had a different flavor to it, but that's the upshot.

In other ways, I realize I've turned men into my dad in my own mind. When one boyfriend asked what I thought about a particular position on a political issue, I jumped to the conclusion that he was testing my critical-thinking skills, and that nothing I said would be good enough. Just like my dad, who start a debate with me by taking a side, and then once he had convinced me, would switch sides to play devil's advocate.

In Dad's mind, I'm sure it was either a game or an educational exercise, but for me it was proof that I would never think well enough for him. ...So I got upset that my boyfriend had even asked me that kind of question; I was sure it was an ambush. When we talked about it afterwards, it was clear that he asked because he respected my thinking and wanted to learn from what I would say. Pretty obvious in hindsight.

I think I've made a lot of progress on this second problem -- I'm much quicker to notice when I'm reacting to something in the past rather than the interaction I'm actually in. But I still don't really trust myself to notice the guys I would really be happy with, instead of getting drawn to the confident (arrogant?) men who haven't grown up socially or emotionally.

I figure when I feel drawn to a guy, I should turn away and look at the guy next to him. That's probably a good place to start. I'd love to get more ideas for noticing the guys who are quietly confident, and who have insight into their own & others' emotions.

One less criterion! Not seeking parenthood

I've just chosen not to seek out becoming a parent.

That's a huge change in my life, and it will lead to drastic changes in my dating. A top criterion for a man in my life has always been that he wants to raise kids, and as my biological clock has run down, that's gotten narrower -- someone willing to adopt a kid, without first trying for a bio kid. And for almost 10 years, I've been flip-flopping on whether I want to adopt as a single parent.

Now, I'm choosing to fulfill my connecting-with-kids drive in other ways. I'm still open to adopting with the right guy, if that's what feels right to us once our relationship is established. Step-parenting and foster-parenting are also fine options -- but not requirements. And I've put the single-parenting question to bed for good.

One trigger for this change is that I found myself on a second date with a 60-year-old man, because he's open to adoption. In 15 years, he'll be my parents' age. My parents are the healthiest and most active of their friends, and still they're slowing down dramatically. I'll be ready for that stage in around 30 years, not 15. So, when I realized how much I was ready to give up in order to be with a man who meets my child-raising criterion, it was a wake-up call.

So now I can look for a life partner without an ulterior motive. I'll always be more attracted to guys who like kids, but there's one less group of guys I'll be ruling out. This feels really good.

Of course, everything I've said here only applies to me, and not what anyone else should do with their lives. I wonder what others are thinking about kids and how they factor into dating decisions.

Doing something right: More rejections

You may not believe it based on these blog postings, but ever since college, there have been way more guys interested in me than guys I've been interested in. I've said "Thanks but no thanks" way more times than I've heard it. At times, it has even been a problem, and I've sometimes felt a sense of dread as I'ved realized that another guy was falling for me.

Why is she bragging like this, you ask? I'm not. I think this situation showed that something was out of whack with me, and my point here is that I think it's really positive that the balance is becoming more even now.

I'm not gorgeous. I think these guys have liked my openness and the effort I put into making those around me feel comfortable and listened to. I think this has, ironically, made guys I'm about to reject feel safe from a harsh rejection.

But that's not the point. In the past year or so, quite a few guys have stopped things from going beyond a few dates, when I would've liked to continue. Does this mean I'm less appealing? I don't think so. I think my old, tense, judgmental way of approaching dates made it really hard for me to perceive the best aspects of a guy. I bet I'm now enjoying getting to know guys I would've rejected in the past. Now these guys have the chance to get to know me well enough that they may reject me! I also think guys are better able to figure out that I'm not right for them because I'm being more authentic from the beginning. Hey, if they would've figured it out eventually, sooner is better!

So I'm embracing my rejections and moving ahead.

Flannel-shirt Elevator Guy, Part 2

A few days went by, and I pretty much forgot about the note. Then I got a call from an unfamiliar number. I answered, and the caller identified himself as the shirt/elevator guy. First, I asked where he had gotten his shirt. We talked about that for a minute or so, and then I said, "I enjoyed our conversation; would you like to have coffee sometime?" I was pleased with how easily the question came out -- it wasn't effortless, but it was natural.

He said, "We can have coffee..." and the slowness with which he said it told me what he would say next. "I want to be upfront, though, that I'm married."

I thanked him for being upfront, and I continued chatting casually. Pretty soon he seemed to relax. Then he said more enthusiastically, "I enjoyed the conversation, too, so we should definitely have coffee." The next afternoon, we talked for over an hour about all kinds of things, including his wife and kids, and we had a great time. He mentioned having lunch soon.

So the downside is that he's not a potential partner for me. The upside blows that out of the water, though. I've got a great start on a new friendship, and I was rewarded for my efforts to move things forward while staying relaxed about it.

I'm positive that it would've gone differently a few years ago, when I would've been nervous and, irrationally, embarrassed to have let an unavailable person know that I'm interested. He would've heard my discomfort in my voice I'm sure he would've wanted to avoid me to avoid the tension.

So I'm really happy with how this went, and it helps me feel positive about future dates. Yay.